Is There a Guidebook?

So what am I
Is there like a quiz
Is this something I decide
Or just something that is

Do I say it with pride
Like a badge or a vibe
Do I need a harness
Or at least a guide

Do I prep do I plan do I stretch do I pray
Do I download a chart or find a YouTube gay
Do I light a candle do I buy a toy
Do I say sir or daddy or bro or boy

Do I ask do you wanna
Or wait to be led
Do I lie on my stomach
Or keep my socks on instead

What if I'm loud
What if I'm weird
What if I cry
What if he cheers

What if it's fast
What if it hurts
Do I fake it politely
Or just call the nurse

What if I like it
What if I don't
What if I want it all
And then suddenly won't

Do I need to know the answer before I begin
Do I lose something sacred or just let love in
Is this about labels
Or about trust
Is it something I do
Or something I must

I don't know
And I guess that's okay
But I wish
I didn't feel
So late
To this party

So what am I
Still figuring it out
Still asking
Still Googling
Still scared
Still proud

But I'll learn what I need to
I'll ask when I must
And if it's real
He'll meet me there
With patience
And lust